Darned if I don’t laugh every time at those not-porn-stars-anymore played by Vanessa Bayer and Cecily Strong on SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE. It’s even more repetitive than most SNL sketches and is based around the characters being stupid and inappropriate, like many an SNL sketch that has deeply annoyed me…yet this doesn’t. In fact, it just seems to get funnier each time.
Rather than try to explain the absurd brilliance of this, I’ve decided to create a rough outline of these sketches’ formula, line-by-line, so you can create your own at home. Why you would do this I don’t know. Maybe you’re young and want to liven up a slumber party; maybe you’re just bored. It’s not my place to judge.
Anyway, there are likely variations among the sketches, but this is a pretty close breakdown.
#
Not-Porn-Star-Anymore 1) (Vanessa Bayer): (descriptive noun, pronounced correctly)
Not-Porn-Star-Anymore 2) (Cecily Strong): (descriptive noun, pronounced incorrectly)
1) (another descriptive noun, pronounced incorrectly)
2) (another descriptive noun, pronounced incorrectly)
BOTH: “The (superlative adjective, pronounced correctly)” “(Name of luxurious product, pronounced incorrectly, possibly with sexual connotation)
2) (nonsensical description of product’s benefits)
1) (same)
BOTH: “With (mispronounced title)”
1) “Hi. We’re not porn stars anymore. I’m Brooky…”
2) “And (answer that does not give her actual name”
1) “And we’re not porn stars anymore, but that doesn’t mean we don’t like (description of use of product in tandem with 2) with awkward hand gestures)”
GUEST: (moves through scene in some way: “Did someone say (trigger phrase based around pun involving their movement through scene)?”
1 & 2 : (indicate not yet)
GUEST: (gets message, departs)
1) “Other (product) are (bad description, mangled put-down)”
2) (backs up description of why other product doesn’t work with own mangled explanation)
1) “(product) is (illogical reason why it works), plus it’s (more description, mispronounced words, etc.)”
2) “And it’s perfect for occasions like…”
1) (random, illogical example)
2) (same)
1) (same — can be awkwardly-employed verb)
2) (more sexual, inappropriate example)
1) (another mangled, sexual example)
2) (guarantee — with sexual and/or mispronounced simile or metaphor)
1) (similar sexual metaphor/simile)
2) (same)
1) “Plus, you can…(actual use for product)…like…(asks 2 about obvious, everyday object)
2) (Provides wrong answer; possibly sexual)
1) (notes this is incorrect; provides more details)
2) (another wrong example)
1) (remembers correct answer; 2 agrees)
GUEST: (repeats movement through scene with above trigger phrase)
1 & 2: (Not yet)
GUEST: (leaves)
1 & 2: “With (mispronounced title of product)”
2) “One time (banging-based story, usually based around thinking she had sex with someone famous, but it was really just…) (barely ties this into endorsement for mispronounced product)”
1) (Sexually-based story, usually involving personal injury during sexual act, again ties to mispronounced product)
2) (another banging or porn-related story, barely tied to mispronounced product)
1) (another sexually-based story possibly involving injury, barely involving product)
2) (another banging story, perhaps not involving the product)
1) “Hey, remember (some random thing that has nothing to do with commercial)”
2) (joins 1 in recalling thing, does imitation or weird impression as part of recollection)
GUEST: (moves all the way through scene without stopping)
1 & 2 (look on in confusion, indicate for guest to come back)
GUEST: “Well, hello. I’m (porn-based title, pun-based porn name). (goes off on odd monologue about porn proficiency and sexual experience and/or damaged nature). So if you’re looking for (product that has nothing to do with what has been described), look no further than (name of product being advertise mispronounced even more thoroughly, possibly in a sexual manner. It’s (explanation of why re-described product is good based off mangled description). And (threatens some random person from their past).”
1&2: (dissuade guest from current monologue, explain how the ad has to be good so they can send it in to television to get free [product being advertised, name said in unison])
GUEST: (remembers scam; all awkwardly lean in and “wink” at the camera) “So for (some occasion), (set up for statement of product’s name)”
1) (says name of product) 2) (says something sexual at the same time)
GUEST: (provides mangled pronunciation of mangled pronunciation of product again, along with catchphrase for this product)
1&2: “With (first mispronounced version of product as logo is shown)” (said simultaneously)
#
Anyway, I hope this has bettered your lives somehow. I’ve been snowed in for a bit and these sketches have been among the things that have kept my sanity. My props to you, ladies Bayer and Strong!
zacksmithwriter.wordpress.com 