400 or So Simpsons Quotes.

From time to time, I compile Simspsons quotes, many of which are adaptable to daily life, in a Word file. Here is what I have so far.  I am not bothering to go back and find episode numbers and titles, and I am aware many of these are paraphrased. 

  1. “And all this time, I’ve only been smoking harmless tobacco!”
  2. “Why do the good always die so young?”
  3. “Now remember, we’re in the Itchy Lot.”
  4. “Oh god, I think I accidentally swallowed some of the juice.”
  5. “I no longer fear hell.”
  6. “Go ahead, I’ll just, ah, amuse myself with these pornographic playing cards.”
  7. “I am familiar with the works of Pablo Neruda.”
  8. “Remember ALF?  Well now he’s back!  In POG form!”
  9. “Heh.  Everyone in the world is stupid except me.”
  10. “I’m whizzing with the door open, and I love it!”
  11. “No man who speaks German could be evil!”
  12. “Marge, could you set the oven to cold?”
  13. “Me fail English?  That’s unpossible!”
  14. “If you freeze it at just the right place, you can actually see his heart breaking.”
  15. “We could buy all kinds of useful things, like love!”
  16. “You ever sit down and read this thing?  Technically, we’re not even supposed to go to the bathroom.”
  17. “To alcohol, the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems!”
  18. “Where was I?  Oh yeah – stay out of my booze.”
  19. “Ooh, the Germans are mad at me!  Help, help, the Germans are mad at me!”
  20. “Stop that.  Stop pretending you are scared.”
  21. “Don’t worry.  There’s plenty of money in faking your own death.”
  22. “You think you know fear?  I’ve seen them naked!”
  23. “He’s history’s greatest monster!”
  24. “You know it’s also illegal to put squirrels down your pants for gambling purposes?”
  25. “By Lucifer’s beard!”
  26. “Twenty Dollars?  Aw, I wanted a peanut!”
  27. “Money can be exchanged for goods and services!”
  28. “Freedom!  Horrible horrible freedom!”
  29. “Religion?!  Learning?!  Ahhhhh!”
  30. “Can’t sleep, clown’ll eat me…can’t sleep, clown’ll eat me…”
  31. “If only we’d listened to that boy, instead of walling him up in that abandoned coke oven.”
  32. “I discovered a meal between breakfast and brunch.”
  33. “If anyone wants me, I’ll be in my room.”
  34. “It’s true, we’re so lame!”
  35. “It wasn’t easy, with a troubled son and a baby on the way, but somehow I still managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.”
  36. “He’s embiggened that role with his cromulent performance!”
  37. “Woah!  I had mustard?”
  38. “Listen to your heart…and not the voices in your head, like a certain uncle did one gray December morn.”
  39. “Very well, begin the thawing of Jim Nabors.”
  40. “And one more thing…you must find the Jade Monkey before the next full moon.”
  41. “I’m a stupid idiot, and I’ve got a big butt, and my butt smells, and I like to kiss my own butt…wait a minute.”
  42. “Mmm…waffle runoff.”
  43. “Mmm…organized crime.”
  44. “Mmm…snout.”
  45. “They didn’t start chasing us until you started playing that getaway music!”
  46. “You…are….hearing…me…talk.”
  47. “Ah, a plan fiendishly clever in its intricacies.”
  48. “Eh, they’ll be chewin’ on him for a while.”
  49. “Or what?  You’ll release the dogs, or the bees?  Or the dogs with bees in their mouths, and when they bark they shoot bees at you?”
  50. “Release the Robotic Richard Simmons.”
  51. “Wait a minute.  Moldy…old…I’ve got to get something to eat!”
  52. “My pudding is trapped forever!”
  53. “Fiddle-Dee-Dee.  That will require a tetanus shot.”
  54. “I didn’t think it was physically possible, but this both sucks *and* blows.”
  55. Aaah! Natural light! Get it off me! Get it off me!”
  56. “I’m going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won’t be back for ten minutes!”
  57. “You tried your best, and you failed miserably. The lesson is: Never try.”
  58. “If a cow ever got the chance, he’d eat you and everyone you care about!”
  59. “Stupider like a FOX!”
  60. “Oh, boy, sleep! That’s where I’m a Viking!”
  61. “Don’t blame me, I voted for Kodos.”
  62. “God schmod, I want my monkey-man!”
  63. “Wait a minute—this sounds like rock and/or roll.”
  64. “In this house we obey the laws of thermodynamics!”
  65. “My eyes! The goggles do nothing!”
  66. “Well, I’m not calling you a liar, but… I can’t think of a way to finish that sentence.”
  67. “You know, Fox turned into a hard-core sex channel so gradually, I didn’t even notice.”
  68. “All right, brain, I don’t like you and you don’t like me—so let’s just do this and I’ll get back to killing you with beer.”
  69. “The whole reason we have elected officials is so we don’t have to think all the time.”
  70. “Perhaps there is no moral to this story.”   “Exactly… It’s just a bunch of stuff that happened.”
  71. “Ohhhh, I’ve wasted my life.”
  72. “I can see through time!”
  73. “You ideas are intriguing to me, and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter.”
  74. “Hide your shame!”
  75. “Hey Homer, I can see your doodle!”
  76. “I am so smart!  I am so smart!  S-M-R-T!  I mean S-M-A-R-T!”
  77. “Save me, Jeebus!”
  78. “Go to Hell, you old bastard!”
  79. “Dental Plan!”  “Lisa needs braces!”
  80. “Whew!  He’s in for some lovin’.”
  81. “It’s okay.  I couldn’t have led a richer life.”
  82. “I’ve got two words for you: Mellow out, man.”
  83. “So let your children run wild and free, for as the old saying goes, ‘let your children run wild and free.’”
  84. “I’m full of piss and vinegar!  At first I was just full of vinegar.”
  85. “My God, it’s like there’s some kind of bond between us.”
  86. “No beer and no TV make Homer go something something.”
  87. “I felt an intoxication that had nothing to do with alcohol.  It was the intoxication of being a public spectacle.”
  88. “Holey moley, the bastard’s rich!”
  89. “It was the most I ever threw up, and it changed my life forever.”
  90. “Yeah, maybe I do have the right…what’s that stuff?”
  91. “Must…destroy…mankind….oooh!  Lunch time!”
  92. “Well, I acquired it legally, you can be sure of that.”
  93. “This is even more painful than it looks.”
  94. “Oh cruel fate, why do you mock me?”
  95. “Yes, he is handsome, in an ugly sort of way.”
  96. “You might say the extra ingredient is salt.”
  97. “Who’s watching TV at this hour?”  “Alcoholics, the unemployable, angry loners…”
  98. “Psst!  The best meat’s in the rump!”
  99. “I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: Democracy just doesn’t work.”
  100. “Woah man!  You need booze!”
  101. “Oh, oh: you see, the kids, they listen to the rap music which gives them the brain damage. With their hippin’, and the hoppin’, and the bippin’, and the boppin’, so they don’t know what the jazz…is all about! You see, jazz is like the Jello Pudding Pop — no, actually, it’s more like Kodak film — no, actually, jazz is like the New Coke: it’ll be around forever, heh heh heh.”
  102. Abortions for some, miniature American flags for others!”
  103. “Stop, stop!  He’s already dead!”
  104. “Don’t praise the machine!”
  105. “The alien has a sweet, heavenly voice… like Urkel! And he appears every Friday night… like Urkel!”
  106. “Talking out of turn…that’s a paddling. Looking out the window…that’s a paddling. Staring at my sandals…that’s a paddling. Paddling the school canoe…ooh, you better believe that’s a paddling.”
  107. “Operator! Give me the number for 911!”
  108. “Well, it’s 1 a.m. Better go home and spend some quality time with the kids.”
  109. “Donuts.  Is there anything they can’t do?”
  110. “Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel.“
  111. “The answer to life’s problems aren’t at the bottom of a bottle, they’re on TV! “
  112. “The trick is to say you’re prejudiced against all races.”
  113. “Have you been eating that sandwich again?”
  114. “Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover.”
  115. “All my life I’ve had one dream, to achieve my many goals.”
  116. “We must move forward, not backward, upward not forward, and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom.”
  117. “Oh, he wants that corn so bad!”
  118. “If something’s hard to do, then it’s not worth doing.”
  119. “Urge to kill…rising…”
  120. “Join me or die.  Can you do any less?”
  121. “Remember: Just blame the guy who can’t speak English.”
  122. “Oh, Andy Capp.  You wife-beating drunk.”
  123. “Ah, Rex Morgan M.D.  You have the prescription for the daily blues.”
  124. “Does whisky count as beer?”
  125. “Agh, my mighty heart is breaking.  I’ll be in the Humvee.”
  126. “It’s just me in front of a brick wall for an hour.  It cost eighty million dollars.”
  127. “And I, for one, welcome our new insect overlords.”
  128.  “Whoo-hoo!  Four-day weekend!”
  129. “We’re going out!  If we don’t come back, avenge our deaths!”
  130. “I can’t even say the word ‘titmouse’ without giggling like a schoolgirl. Eee-hee-hee!”
  131. “Pfff.  English.  Who needs that?  I’m never going to England!”
  132. “Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand.”
  133. “I nicked it when you let your guard down for that split second, and I’d do it again.” 
  134. “Listen, big shot, if you’re looking for the kind of employee who takes abuse and never sticks up for himself, I’m your man!  You can treat me like dirt, and I’ll still kiss your butt and call it ice cream!  And if you don’t like it – I can change!”
  135. “There it is – the cleverest thing you’ll ever say and nobody heard it.”
  136. “Mmm…64 slices of American cheese.”
  137. “It’s a pornography store.  I was buying pornography.” 
  138. “The only danger is if they send us to that terrible Planet of the Apes!  Wait a minute…Statue of Liberty…that was OUR planet!  YOU MANIACS!  YOU BLEW IT UP!  DAMN YOU!  DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL! (sobs)”
  139. “Just squeeze your rage into a bitter little ball and release it at an appropriate time.  Like that time I hit that referee with a whisky bottle.  You remember that?  You remember when Daddy hit the referee with a whisky bottle?”
  140. “Those Germans have a word for everything!”
  141. “If you don’t like your job, you don’t strike!  You just go in every day and do it really half-assed!  That’s the American way!”
  142. “Woo-hoo!  Look at that blubber fly!”
  143. “Default!  Woo-hoo!  The two sweetest words in the English language!”
  144. “Would you look at those morons?  I paid my taxes over a year ago!”
  145. “I’m wasting away!  I’m down to a B-Cup!”
  146. “The bee bit my bottom!  Now my bottom’s big!”
  147. “Damn you and your sparkling wordplay!”
  148. “Heh heh heh.  Homicidal robots….so like us.”
  149. “You don’t win friends with salad!  You don’t win friends with salad!”
  150.  “Homer no function beer well without.”
  151. “Kids, kids, I’m not going to die.  That only happens to bad people.”
  152. “Oh, everything looks bad if you remember it.”
  153. “What good is money if it can’t inspire terror in your fellow man?”
  154.  “I stand by my racial slur.”
  155. “Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix.”
  156. “He is a cancer on this fair city and I am the…uh, what cures cancer?”
  157. “Spinoff!  Is there any word more thrilling to the human soul?”
  158. “We started out like Romeo and Juliet, but it ended up in tragedy.”
  159. “Everything’s coming up Milhouse!”
  160. “So this is what it sounds like…when doves cry!”
  161. “Look out, Itchy!  He’s Irish!”
  162. “I don’t believe in nothing no more!  I’m going to law school!”
  163. “I’ve done everything the Bible says — even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff!”
  164.  “Cornstarch. Good for keepin’ down the urges!”
  165. “Affordable tract housing made us neighbors, but you made us friends!”
  166. “We’re like this ALL THE TIME!”
  167. “I dressed myself!”
  168. “Your hair is tall, and pretty!”
  169. “I’m scared!  Too scared to even wet my pants!”
  170. “What’s a battle?”
  171. “When I grow up, I want to be a principal or a caterpillar.”
  172. “I love you ‘cause you kill people.”
  173. “This tastes like Grandma!”
  174. “Why do people run from me?”
  175. “I’m wearing a bathrobe, and I’m not even sick!”
  176. “Slow down, Bart! My legs don’t know how to be as long as yours.”
  177. “Sweet merciful crap!”
  178. “Do not turn this office into a house of LIES!”
  179. “You’re right!  First thing tomorrow I’m going to punch Lenny in the back of the head!”
  180. “Man, I must have seen that movie…twice.”
  181. “Lady, you’re all right.”
  182. “We’ll DIG our way out!”
  183. “Well, we all had a good laugh about that, but it turns out he was really sexually harassing her.”
  184. “Wait, I’m confused.  So the cops KNEW Internal Affairs was setting them up…I like to make up movies in my head when I get bored.”
  185. “I can’t wait to hear about the sexy and exciting adventures you’re sure to have against this colorful backdrop.”
  186. “Why?  Why was I programmed to feel pain?”
  187. “I dream of a town devoted to chastity, abstinence, and a flavorless mush I call ‘root-marm.’”
  188. “Are these morons getting dumber, or just louder?”
  189. “…a delightful little romp.”
  190. “You idiot!  He was the most talented one!”
  191. “That was real funny, taking my dignity like that.”
  192. “I’m sorry, it’s the laughter of small children, it cuts through me like a knife.”
  193. “Don’t you hate pants?”
  194. “What was I laughing about?  Oh yes, the crippled Irishman.”
  195. “Ach!  Back to the loch with you, Nessie.”
  196. “Ooh!  Erotic cakes!”
  197. “Hey, it says here I’m supposed to get a pig every month!  And…”two comely lasses of virtue true.’”
  198. “I proclaim this chap the most whimsical jig of the season!”
  199. “Couldn’t she just accept his abuse with good-natured humor instead?”
  200. “Lousy Smarch weather.”
  201. “To human misery!”
  202. “…which, if true, means death for us all.”
  203. “We can stick her in a trailer, drive around the south and charge two bits a gander.”
  204. “…no talking like a grizzled 1890s prospector, consarn it.”
  205. “I hope they kill that Iron Yuppie.  Thinks he’s so big.”
  206. “Sorry, Mr. Burns, but I don’t go in for these backdoor shenanigans. Sure, I’m flattered, maybe even a little curious, but the answer is no!”
  207. “I prefer the hands-on touch you only get with hired goons.”
  208. “I needed a new heel for my shoe, so, I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on ’em. “Give me five bees for a quarter,” you’d say. Now where were we? Oh yeah – the important thing was that I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time…”
  209. “Fine, sir. I’ll get him started on some snappy Sinbad-esque material.”
  210. “Ah, these minstrels will soothe my jangled nerves.”
  211. “…Have the Rolling Stones killed.”
  212. “Take it and get out.”
  213. “We’ve given the word ‘mob’ a bad name.”
  214. “That dog can sell anything.”
  215. “Mmm, cran-tastic!”
  216. “He lied to us through song! I hate when people do that!”
  217. “The searing kiss of hot lead!  How I missed you!  I mean, I think I’m dying.”
  218. “There were still so many things I wanted to see and do and have done to me.”
  219. “If you have a failing, it’s that you’re always demanding perfection. If you have a failing”
  220. “Curse the man who invented helium! Curse Pierre-Jules-Cesar Janssen!”
  221. “I’m going to punish you for this, Bart. And it won’t just be a simple caning this time.”
  222. “Sounds like the doomsday whistle! Ain’t been blown for nigh onto three years.”
  223. “You’ve heard the expression “let’s get busy”? Well, this is a dog who gets “biz-zay!” Consistently and thoroughly.”
  224. “I feel we should rastify him by 10 percent or so.”
  225. “Kindly make one out to me, and three out to my friend of the same name.”
  226. “When are they going to get to the fireworks factory?!”
  227. “Last night’s Itchy & Scratchy was, without a doubt, the worst episode ever! Rest assured that I was on the Internet within minutes, registering my disgust throughout the world.”
  228. “I’ve been doing some thinking, and I’ve got some ideas to improve the show. I got it right here.  One, Poochie needs to be louder, angrier, and have access to a time machine. Two, whenever Poochie’s not onscreen, all the other characters should be asking “Where’s Poochie”? Three—“
  229. “And we’ll cover the new craze that’s sweeping the country – wasting food!”
  230. “Oh, Abe.  You’ve aged horribly.”
  231. “So where did your newfound sense of irresponsibility take you?”
  232. “Oh god, I’m choking on my own rage here!”
  233. “Something was said!  Not good!”
  234. “It’s those TV networks, Marge, they won’t let me. One quality show after another, each one fresher and more brilliant than the last. If they only stumbled once, just gave us thirty minutes to ourselves! But they won’t! They won’t let me live!”
  235. “I want to shake off the dust of this one-horse town. I want to explore the world. I want to watch TV in a different time zone. I want to visit strange, exotic malls. I’m sick of eating hoagies! I want a grinder, a sub, a foot-long hero! I want to LIVE, Marge! Won’t you let me live? Won’t you, please?”
  236. “Wait! I need closure on that anecdote!”
  237. “If I had a girlfriend, she’d kill me!”
  238. “And how’s my little major-leaguer? Catch any June bugs today?”
  239. “When you get a little older, you’ll realize that Friday is just another day between NBC’s Must-See Thursday and CBS’s Saturday night Crap-o-Rama.”
  240. `“During his long recuperation, he taught himself to hear and feel pain again.”
  241. “…lousy loveable dog…”
  242. “Blue M&M, red M&M, they all wind up the same color in the end.”
  243. “I’m like the man who single-handedly built the rocket and went to the moon. What was his name? Apollo Creed?”
  244. “Now son, you don’t want to drink beer. That’s for daddies and kids with fake ID’s.”
  245. “Soon, we’ll be rich!  Rich as Nazis!”
  246. “Hey fun boys, get a room!”
  247. “I made sure to take note of that, as it seemed highly unusual.”
  248. “I’ve had a stroooooooooke.”
  249. “I’d’ve called ‘em Chazwallises.”
  250. “…And they come with this delicious sauce.  It looks like ketchup, it tastes like ketchup, but brother – it ain’t ketchup!”
  251. “Sometimes I think you WANT us to fail!”
  252. “Your point being…?”
  253. “Most people would say no, of course not, what kind of stupid question is that?”
  254. “I don’t care if he’s the nicest guy alive, he’s still a jerk!”
  255. “Steak will make him logy.”
  256. “I don’t know where you pixies came from, but I sure like your pixie drink!”
  257. “You’re living proof that our revolving-door prison system works.”
  258. “You’re a credit to dementia!”
  259. “Don’t thank me.  Thank the moon’s gravitational pull.”
  260. “That was a well-plotted piece of non-claptrap that never made me want to retch.”
  261. “Marge, when kids these days say `bad’, they mean `good’.  And to `shake your booty’ means to wiggle one’s butt. Permit me to demonstrate.”
  262. “Oh, it’s that record club.  The first nine were only a penny.   Then they jacked up the price! [breaks down crying] It’s not fair!  It’s not fair, I tells ya!”
  263. “You’re not the only one who can abuse a nonprofit organization!”
  264. “Don’t avert your eyes!  He may take on another form!”
  265. “I love the sexy slither of a lady snake.  Ohhhhhhh yeah.”
  266. “Ach du lieber!  Das is nicht eine Booby!”
  267. “Mom, could you get me some of those Flintstones Chewable Morphine?”
  268. “Now change the channel and pat my head!”
  269. “If there’s one thing America needs, it’s more lawyers.”
  270. “From now on, I’ll use my gossip for good instead of evil!”
  271. “Let us celebrate our arrangement by the adding of chocolate to milk.”
  272. “I call the big one Bitey.”
  273. “Iron helps us play!”
  274. “They’ll be chewing on him for a while.”
  275. “Don’t thank me, thank an unprecedented eight-year military buildup.”
  276. “Remember what Vince Lombardi said – if you lose, you’re out of the family!”
  277. “For the first time in my life, I’m glad I had children.”
  278. “Always trust the Bible, son.  It’s the prankster’s bible.”
  279. “You have small, girlish hands.”
  280. “Gentlemen – welcome to Flavor Country.”
  281. “Sneaking out was worth it!  That was some gooooood corn.”
  282. “That’s your solution to everything – to move under the sea!  It’s not gonna happen!”  “Not with THAT attitude.”
  283. “Ooh!  I feel like a kid in some kind of a store!”
  284. “Oh, I like it better when they’re making fun of people who aren’t me.”
  285. “It’s just hard not to listen to TV; it’s spent so much more time raising us than you have.”
  286. “Are you hugging the TV?!”
  287. “Those people down there look all tiny and blurry, just like the inside of a cataract.”
  288. “I see you’ve played knifey-spooney before.”
  289. “How do you sleep at night?”  “On top of a pile of money with many beautiful ladies.”
  290. “Aww, so that’s wrong with the poor fella. He misses casual sex.”
  291. “Aw, a car impound lot: the impenetrable fortress of suburbia!”
  292. “Since the beginning of time, man has yearned to destroy the sun. I will do the next best thing: block it out.”
  293. “I don’t want any part of this project, it’s unconscionably fiendish.”
  294. “A prayer in a public school! God has no place within these walls, just like facts have no place within organized religion!”
  295.  “Son, when you participate in sporting events, it’s not whether you win or lose; it’s how drunk you get.”
  296. “Little girl, I’ve had lots of jobs in my day: Whale hunter, seal clubber, president of the Fox network … and like most people, yeah, I’ve dealt a little ivory.”
  297. “Marge, please, don’t humiliate me in front of the money.”
  298. “Yes, money.  Your money’s money is all that money.”
  299. “Mmmm, sacralicious.”
  300. “Professor, without knowing precisely what the danger is, would you say it’s time for our viewers to crack each other’s heads open and feast on the goo inside?”
  301. “Things aren’t as happy as they used to be down here at the Unemployment Office, joblessness is no longer just for philosophy majors.”
  302. “The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother. I call him Gamblor and it’s time to free your mother from his neon claws!”
  303. “Where did I lose them? I’ll never wiggle my bare butt in public again.”
  304. “Is this the end of Zombie Shakespeare?”
  305. “The Japanese? Those sandal-wearing goldfish-tenders? Bosh! Flimshaw!”
  306. “Well everything’s stolen nowadays. Why the fax machine is nothing but a waffle iron with a phone attached.”
  307. “I can do that but I don’t wanna.”
  308. “You’re a dull boy, Billy.”
  309. “Leave me my dignity!  All I wanted to do was watch ‘Honk if You’re Horny’ in peace!”
  310. “Mmm.  I can’t wait to eat that monkey!”
  311. “Look everybody!  An old man’s talking!”
  312. “Oh, I ain’t fer it, I’m again’ it!”
  313. “Gruel!  Sweet, nourishing gruel!”
  314. “I’m a white male, age 18 to 34.  People listen to whatever I say, no matter how crazy.”
  315. “Arrr…this will keep me company those lonely nights at sea.”
  316. “Arrr…I don’t know what I’m talking about.”
  317. “Agh, meatloaf, the most hated of all loaves.”
  318. “(gasps) That was the dried-out end piece!”
  319. “Abusing your family is one thing, but I will not sit by idly while you feed a hungry dog!”
  320. “I’m looking for someone to whom I can leave my vast, vast, vast, vast fortune…vast.”
  321. “Get me his Mexican non-union equivalent!”
  322. “He boasts that he will banish dirt to the land of wind and ghosts.”
  323. “Have you been up all night eating cheese again?”
  324. “All the years I’ve lobbied to be treated like an adult have blown up in my face.”
  325. “I will not hear another word against the boat!”
  326. “Although there is no change in my demeanor, let me assure you my heart is breaking.”
  327. “So how ‘bout that local sports team?”
  328. “Looks like those clowns in Washington are messing it up again!  What a bunch of clowns!”
  329. “Ooh, I love legitimate theater.”
  330. “Oh thank God, it’s Lee Marvin!  He’s always drunk and violent!”
  331. “Kings among men!”
  332. “Let us never speak of the shortcut again.”
  333. “I can see the music!”
  334. “My mom thinks I’m cool!”
  335.  “I may not know art, but I know what I hate.  And I…don’t hate this.”
  336. “You’ll have to speak up, I’m wearing a towel.”
  337. “Oh, it’s a donkey!”
  338. “The other children are right to laugh at you, Ralph.”
  339. (pulling into a compact car space) “Lot of sparks on this side.”
  340. “Oh no!  I’ll be socially unpopular, more so!”
  341. “Look at him strutting about like he’s cock of the walk!  Well let me tell you, he’s cock of nothing!”
  342. “Behold!  Ten times more addictive than marijuana!”
  343. “When are you going to learn hair isn’t a right – it’s a privilege!”
  344. “Whoo!  A little beer’ll put out that fire.”
  345. “…and that’s when the C.H.U.D.s came at me.”
  346. “Where is that thing?  It can’t get far, it has no legs!”
  347. “Oh, why does my death keep coming back to haunt me?”
  348. “You couldn’t fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine.”
  349. “Poor Homer. This world was never meant for one as beautiful as you.”
  350. “I’m a well-wisher, in that I don’t wish you any particular harm.”
  351. “Oh, the network slogan is true! Watch Fox and be damned for all eternity!”
  352. “Pick me, teacher!  I’m ever so smart!”
  353. “PRAY…FOR…MO…JO…”
  354. “That’s preposterous!  Zutroy here is as American as apple pie!”
  355. “The older they get, the cuter they ain’t.”
  356. “Dammit Smithers, this isn’t rocket science, this is brain surgery!”
  357. “We’re going out, Marge!  If we don’t come back, avenge our deaths!”
  358. “Would it really be worth living in a world without television?  I think the survivors would envy the dead.”
  359. “But every time I learn something new, it pushes out something old! Remember that time I took a home wine-making course and forgot how to drive?”
  360. “Aim low. Aim so low that no one will even care if you succeed.”
  361. “Why did I take so much punishment? Let’s just say that fame was like a drug, but what was even more like a drug was the drugs.”
  362. “Fire can be our friend, whether it’s toasting s’mores or raining down on Charlie.”
  363. “My God!  It’s like a party in my mouth and everyone’s invited!”
  364. “Dear God, we paid for all this stuff ourselves, so thanks for nothing.”
  365. “Lisa, never, EVER stop in the middle of a hoedown!”
  366. “We don’t need a thinker! We need a doer! Someone who will act without considering the consequences!”
  367. “Oh Kent, I’d be lying if I said my men weren’t committing crimes.”
  368. “The mob is working on getting your saxophone back but we’ve also expanded into other important areas. Literacy programs! Preserving our beloved covered bridges. World domination!”
  369. ““You’re a very old man now and old people are useless!””
  370. “Bart’s pain is funny, but mine isn’t!”
  371. “Can’t talk. Robbed.  Go Hell.”
  372. “We’ll DIG our way out!  No, dig UP, stupid!”
  373. “Life is one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead.”
  374. “The year was 1968. We were on recon in a steaming Mekong delta. An overheated private removed his flack jacket, revealing a T-shirt with an ironed-on sporting the MAD slogan “Up with Mini-skirts!”. Well, we all had a good laugh, even though I didn’t quite understand it. But our momentary lapse of concentration allowed “Charlie” to get the drop on us. I spent the next three years in a POW camp, forced to subsist on a thin stew made of fish, vegetables, prawns, coconut milk, and four kinds of rice. I came close to madness trying to find it here in the States, but they just can’t get the spices right!”
  375. “This is the worst Fourth of July ever.  I hate America.”
  376. “The whole thing smacks of effort, man.”
  377. “Does my withered face remind you of the grim specter of death?”
  378. “Brunch – it’s not quite breakfast, it’s not quite lunch, but you get a nice slice of cantaloupe at the end.”
  379. “Mmm…sacrelicious.”
  380. “That’s all well and good for sheep, but what are we to do?”
  381. “I crippled him myself.”
  382. “See?  Because of me, they now have a warning.”
  383. “Can’t talk.  See Flanders.  Later sex.”
  384. “Don’t worry, Bart. It seems like every week something odd happens to the Simpsons. My advice is to ride it out, make the occasional smart-alec quip, and by next week we’ll be back to where we started from, ready for another wacky adventure.”  “Ay carumba!”  “That’s the spirit!”
  385. “Oooh, the walls are melting again.”
  386. “Marge… I think I hate Ted Koppel. No, wait, I find him informative and witty. ‘Night.”
  387. “The government calls it the “army”, but a more alarmist name would be The Killbot Factory”
  388.  Bobby McFerrin’s new single I’m Worried Need Money
  389. “It’s a Volvo!  It doesn’t go any faster!”
  390. “On the other hand, who’s to say what’s right these days, what with all our modern ideas and products?”
  391. “What’s with all this cleaning? Are we so vain?”
  392. “Marge, I agree with you in theory. In theory, Communism works! In theory
  393. “‘Gomer upsets Sergeant Carter.’  I’ll never forget that episode.”
  394. “I  just have two questions: ‘How much?’ and ‘Give it to me.’”
  395. “He thinks he’s people!”
  396. (re: a rock) “A bird has become petrified and lost its sense of direction!”
  397. “Ooh, him card-read good!”
  398. “Marge, there’s an empty spot I’ve always had inside me. I tried to fill it with family, religion, community service, but those are dead ends! This chair is the answer”
  399. “This is great! Not only am I not learning, I’m forgetting stuff I used to know!”
  400. “..class after class of ugly, ugly children…”
  401. “We’ve tried nothing, and we’re all out of ideas!”
  402. “Ahh, science.  You get all the fun of sitting still, being quiet, writing down numbers, paying attention…science has it all!”
  403. “Tonight on WINGS!…ah, who cares?”
  404. “Don’t make me run!  I’m full of chocolate!”
  405. “That kid’s got BOSOMS!”
  406. “It’s funny ‘cause it’s true.”
  407. “Stop laughing!  It will scar him for life!”
  408. “I’m so hungry, I could eat ARBY’S!”


Published by Zack

Zack Smith is a writer and journalist. He has written for such web sites and publications as Newsarama.com, the Independent Weekly of Durham NC, Triangle Business Journal, Comic Book Resources and the Lynchburg News and Advance. He has a Master's in Journalism from the E.W. Scripps School of Journalism at Ohio University, and a degree in English with minors in Film Studies and Creative Writing from NC State University. He also writes children's books.

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